Floor it!

Really bad quality short video of me accelerating up the M5 in the Cerbera - watch out - it flips to one side part way through (not the car!) as I turned the phone round! You'll just have to crane your neck!

Don't forget to turn the sound up...

As good today as it's always been...

I just spent the entire day (virtually) listening to Saxon (http://www.saxon747.com)

For those of you who are not familiar with their work, Saxon were a heavy metal band who burst on to the rock scene in 1980. I went to see them live at the Odeon in Taunton in that year (I was 16 or 17) and they were amazing.

Listening to the albums 'Strong Arm of The Law' and 'Wheels of Steel' today brought it all back. The speed, the power and the unbridled energy in each track still does the business 27 years later! Only AC/DC tops it (in my humble opinion). And the lyrics? Well, only Biff Byford could belt out the line: "on a blue sea of denim" in the track 'Heavy Metal Thunder' and make it sound brilliant.

It seems they have a new album out - cool.

If you remember them (or even if you don't) I suggest you do yourself a favour and download the tracks immediately.

Saxon - as good today as it's always been.

Jealous yet?

I've moved into my last (and finest) hotel: Cidade de Goa (http://www.cidadedegoa.com/)

It's hot and sunny, peaceful and relaxed.

and, somewhere nearby, under a tree,
there's a hammock with my name on it...

as they say here,
"the path to enlightenment often lies in the midst of chaos"

Quest Update: Cisco CCNA: Fail :-(

Ok, so the run of exam passes has ended right on the last one!

What a pig of an exam that was. Pass mark is 85% (I got 796). I completely flunked one of the simulations and then panicked a bit as I was running out of time.

Oh well, I'm not going to be beaten by it - I will retake in a couple of weeks.
So that's it, all courses exams have been completed. I'm cream-crackered. Off to 5* hotel now.

Now where's that sunbed...

Quest Update: MCSE: Messaging 2003 !!

Just took and passed the final exam on my MCSE Messaging 2003 track - Designing a Microsoft Exchange Server 2003 Organization (exam 70-285) . Scored 850 (pass mark 700).

It was one of those irritating exams with huge long-winded scenarios that provide too much information to try to confuse you. I don't like those much so was happy to get through it.

So that's secondary objective achieved. I am now an MCSE Messaging 2003. Cool!
That was my 10th exam. I start the CCNA course tomorrow so just one more exam to take next Tuesday...

How to ruin your enjoyment of Star Wars (Pt.II)

Here is another in the (very) occasional series of articles that I've written on how to ruin your enjoyment of your favourite films for all time.

Some of you may remember that Part 1 concerned the similarity of the voice of Chewbacca in the Star Wars trilogy to that of Blakey from 'On the Buses'. The idea was that you picture Chewbacca flying the Millennium Falcon through hordes of Empire Tie-Fighters and then replace his voice with that of Blakey shouting 'get those buses aaat!' and 'oh gaaawd!', etc etc.

I think you'd have to agree that the resemblance is striking. You'd also have to concede that you will now never be able to watch Chewbacca on any of the Star Wars films without immediately thinking of Blakey, Butler and Stan.

Ok. So along those lines, here's another...

Last night I caught 'Star Wars: Return of The Jedi' on HBO. I have seen this many, many times before. If you recall it's the one where Yoda pegs it, Luke fights Darth Vader and wins but then doesn't kill him off as the evil Emperor wants him to, because Vader is really Anakin Skywalker, who is Luke's father. OK so far?

Now then, you recall that the evil Emperor was previously known as Senator Palpatine (in previous episodes). He is eventually found out to be the Dark Sith Lord and, during a fight with Samuel L. Jackson he undergoes something of a dramatic facial transformation (see below).

Ok, so you know who I'm referring to now? Good.

Now, here are the instructions for completely removing all traces of evil power from the character of the Emperor thus rendering him benign and ruining the dramatic presence of his character forever...

1) watch Star Wars: Return of the Jedi (again)

2) towards the climax of the film, just before Luke fights Vader, listen carefully to the voice of the evil Emperor as he sits in his black chair with his black hood covering his gaunt and ashen face

3) pause the playback, clear your mind and focus

4) bring into your mind an early episode of 'Are You Being Served' (trust me on this one...)

5) picture the canteen at lunchtime, with the staff all sitting round the table

6) recall the characters: Mr Humphries, Mr Lucas, Captain Peacock, Mrs Slocombe, Miss Brahms

7) and, sitting at the right end of the table, Mr Grainger (he's just in-shot below)

8) yes, Mr Ernest Grainger, half-moon spectacles, tape measure round the neck - can you hear his distinctive 'Mr Kipling-like' voice in your mind? Focus, focus, concentrate now

9) you can see his chin and his 'gurning' expression (due to lack of dentures) as he slurps his vegetable soup

10) if you're close to getting his voice clear in your head, make him say the word 'vegetable' - now you've got it. It's unmistakable, unique, 'veggie-tibble' - 'Mr Lucassshh'

11) now un-pause the playback of the film and listen to the voice of the Emperor...

Yes, folks. It's true. The evil Senator Palpatine/Dark Lord of the Sith is in fact dear old Mr Grainger from 'Are You Being Served'!

Congratulations! You have just succeeded in completely ruining another character from Star Wars. Forever.

Now, I wonder if I could somehow turn Mr Lucas into Darth Vader - that would be something! The signs are all there if you look carefully. Consider the black & white picture above. Mr Grainger (Sith Lord) is discussing with his henchman Darth Vader (Mr Lucas) the matter of turning Skywalker (Mr Humphries) to the darkside. Skywalker, fairly disinterested in the prospect, is casually examining a mens formal shirt. The dialog might go something like:-

Sith Lord: Lord Vader, are you free?
Vader: (looks over both shoulders; breathing through snorkel sound) Yes my master, I'm free. (more breathing sounds)
Sith Lord: do you think young Skywalker can be turned to the darkside?
Vader: (breathing sound) I am unsure my master, I'll ask (breathing sound)
Vader: young Skywalker, are you free? (breathing sound)
Skywalker: (looks over both shoulders; in high pitched tone) I'm free!!

etc etc. I know it could work. Perhaps I'll send the script into the BBC comedy dept. I can see it now. The new BBC space dept. store sit-com: Store Wars: The Return of the Grace Brothers, starring:

Arthur Brough (Mr Grainger): the Emperor
Trevor Bannister (Mr Lucas): Darth Vader
Wendy Richard (Miss Brahms): Princess Leia
John Inman (Mr Humphries): Luke Skywalker
Frank Thornton (Capt. Peacock): Han Solo
Nicholas Smith (Mr Rumbold): Obi Wan Kenobi
Harold Bennett (Young Mr Grace): Yoda
Arthur English (Mr Harmon): Chewbacca (due to impenetrable accent and brown overalls)
Mollie Sugden (Mrs Slocombe): Jabba the Hut

"never underestimate the power of the darkside, Mr Lucasshh..."

Quest Update: Exchange 2003 exam passed!

Just took and passed Implementing and Managing Microsoft Exchange Server 2003 (exam 70-284). Scored 940 (pass mark 700).

Not having done much on Exchange (and what little I've done has been on an older version), I was finding this course pretty tough going. Wasn't confident at all going into the exam this morning. However, revision over the weekend has paid off (again).

Tomorrow I'm supposed to be taking the design exam. If I pass that, I will be MCSE: Messaging (which will be nice!).

My Left Foot

Can you spot the difference?

hint: my left foot is somewhat larger...

It was Sunday, so I thought, I know, I'll take my books and go down by the pool. Then I can relax in the sunshine whilst still reading for my exam. That'll be nice.

Whilst I was down there I must have been savaged by some sort of monster ant/mosquito/insect type beast. This resulted in some localised "guy-fawking" of my left foot.

It itches like hell and I just want to scratch it clean off. Why me?

Sometimes I watch those natural history type programs where some white guy from London heads off into the jungles of Borneo in search of some moth (or suchlike). During the trip he is bitten by multiple insects all of which results in fairly manageable irritation.

I often think if I received that many bites I'd inflate to 6 times my actual size and be totally immobile.



Footnote(!): there is a Christy Brown / Daniel Day Lewis reference here (somewhere) which was the subject of a little known (and fairly irreverent) sketch by Rob Newman & David Baddiel. I won't relate the details, suffice to say that the key line was: "he makes me look like some sort of...."

I have included this entire footnote for Mr Payne (the only other living person I know who would recognise this comedy reference) even though he never reads this blog. One day he will...

Quest Update: Security+ Exam Passed!

I AM NOW AN MCSE!

Just took and passed the CompTIA Security+ exam (SY0-101) and passed with a score of 841 (pass mark 764). There were 100 questions which you either know the answer to or you don't!



So, primary objective has been achieved.

I now start Exchange Server Messaging modules...

Quest update: MCSE 6th Exam: Passed!

Just took and passed exam 70-298 Designing Security. Passed with 811 (pass mark 700).

Ok so not my best score, but it was quite a tricky exam with very long scenario/case study type questions. So that's one elective down, one to go!

Quest update: MCSE 5th Exam: Passed!

Just took and passed exam 70-294 - Active Directory. I found this one the toughest so far but got a score of 921 (pass mark 700) which I'm well-pleased with. That's the new highest score (so far).

Next exam is on Saturday - 70-298 Designing Security for a Microsoft Windows Server 2003 Network. I covered the Microsoft course book for this yesterday so just need to look at the case studies before then.

Tomorrow I begin the CompTia Security+ module. The exam for that is scheduled for Monday!

Quest update: MCSE 4th Exam: Passed!

Despite not feeling too chipper, I took exam 70-293 this afternoon. Of all the exams it's the one I had prepared the least for (due to spending most of the weekend in the 'smallest room').

To my surprise, I passed with a score of 910 (pass mark 700). It's the highest mark I think I've ever had (in anything for that matter!). So, how does that work??

Whatever. Just pleased to get another step closer to the goal!

Next exam 70-294: Planning, Implementing, and Maintaining a Microsoft Windows Server 2003 Active Directory Infrastructure. I'm taking this on Thursday. No rest for the wicked...

OK - I suppose I've had a good run (no pun intended), but 2 days ago I finally contracted the dreaded 'Delhi-Belly'.

After all the warnings about not drinking the tap water, strangely, it seems this was caused by a bag of cashew nuts bought from a specialist cashew nut exporters shop, sealed and fresh.
I won't go into details, but suffice to say I haven't felt this incapacitated since eating some dodgy mussels in a restaurant in Temple Bar, Dublin.

I was unable to attend my course on Saturday (yesterday) and still feel decidely weakened today. Although I'm still swotting, it's harder to concentrate when you're not feeling 100%.

I have an exam tomorrow (70-293) which I'm no where near ready for. Pressure, pressure, pressure...

Quest update: MCSE 3rd Exam: Passed!

The big one, the nasty, the horrible, the DNS riddled monster of an exam (70-291) - SLAYED!
Is there no stopping me?!!

Very pleased to get that one in the bag. Score 820 (pass mark 700), so not as a good a score as the previous exam but the questions here are much more complex so I'm happy.

Next: 070-293 - Planning & Maintaining a Microsoft Server 2003 Network Infrastructure...

Panjim, Goa, 28 Dec

ok, so my small amount of hair was beginning to sprout randomly and I was starting to look a bit like a mad professor - time to get a haircut...
But where, how?, etc etc.

After much walking about, I found a back street barber shop called "Modern Barbers". It was a very small fluorescent lit shop with 3 old style barbers chairs and two guys. As I approached I saw a young lad was sitting outside the shop on a concrete block. He must have been about 13. I noted that his shirt closely resembled that of the two guys who were cutting and shaving two chaps inside. I concluded, rather like Mr Holmes, that he must be an apprentice.

As I walked past him I smiled and in an instant realised that if I sat in the free chair, it would be he who would be shaving my head. Oh well, in for a penny... It wasn't as if he could really ruin my complex and sophisticated hairdo, now was it?

When I walked in, the shop felt thankfully cool due to the relatively massive air-con unit that was whirring away in the corner. As I went to close the door I noted that said young lad had indeed followed me inside and was motioning me toward the vacant chair. As I sat down I saw the older guys exchange a knowing smile and a chuckle. My guess was that the exchange went something like:-

1st guy: look at this bloke, he's so pale he must be English
2nd guy: yes. What's he think he's doing in here?
1st guy: well, he's brave I'll say that for him!
2nd guy: well let's see how brave he is. We'll get the apprentice to shave his head!
1st guy: ok, good plan - this guy's got hardly any hair so it will be difficult (even for him) to muck it up!!
2nd guy: ha ha ha! You got that right!
1st guy: ha ha ha!

The administering of the sheet that gets put round your neck went really well. Swiftly but professionally applied with the minimum of fuss. Good start, I thought.
Then, apprentice opened a small drawer and pulled out the shaver. I made a 'thumb and forefinger' gesture that let him know that I wanted a very close shave and that he wouldn't need a spacer attachment on the shaver.

When he plugged the shaver in I realised that the cord wasn't really long enough to reach right round the back of my head and that the young lad wasn't actually tall enough to reach the top of my head. Un-deterred by this minor detail the lad put the shaver close to his lips and blew the excess hair off the blades. OK, so none of those ultra-violet sterile cases here then. Nope, just finish up the last chap and put the shaver in the drawer. I hoped the previous customer had had a clean head.

More worryingly, when the lad switched on the device, a fizzing sound came out of the two-pin electrical socket. As he put the shaver to my head the wire became increasingly taught and, when this caused the plug to move in the socket, the power failed. Again, un-deterred, laddo 'wiggled' the plug and the power was restored (together with more 'fizzing').

In the mirror I caught the older chaps' eye and gave a mock 'grimace' as if to suggest (jokingly) that I was petrified of being electrocuted through the head by an apprentice brandishing a shaver. He smiled and then laughed and then got on with his customer's hair. I got the impression that this was not an uncommon occurrence. This didn't reassure me.

The lad cracked on at a pace and was soon finished, or, so I thought. He blew some of my hair off the blade and put the shaver back in the drawer. Then in the mirror, I saw him reach into his pocket and pull out a cut-throat razor.

I cleared my throat (possibly for the last time) and began to run through all the exotic blood disorders I could contract from a dirty blade, should he nick me. Thankfully, before I got too far down the list, I saw him fit a fresh blade to the razor. Then it was on with the lotion, a pull on the ears and the feel of cold steel down the back of my neck.

To take my mind off what was happening with the cut-throat, I watched as the customer next to me began to receive an 'Indian Head Massage' from the chap who'd just trimmed his hair. I concluded that these are given as a matter of course following a haircut. The technique was interesting. It started off as gentle rubbing using the palms all over the head and neck and became increasingly vigorous, culminating in the barber basically 'smacking' the customer about the head. The sound of palm on scalp sounded like a tennis shoe being struck on a concrete surface. Apart from anything else, I thought it odd that this customer had just had his new hairdo completely trashed by having the head massage. Oh well.

When laddo had finished with the razor, he asked me if I wanted a head massage too. I considered it, but having witnessed the guy next to me being basically assaulted, coupled with fact that laddo couldn't really reach the top of my head anyway, I respectfully declined. I think he breathed a sigh of relief too.

Payment for all of this? 50 rupees (about 75 pence). I gave him 100 rupees, felt like a 'bigshot', thanked everyone very much and took my leave.
Back at the hotel room, I examined my head more closely looking for any rogue hairs. But no. There were none at all. In fact, he'd done a top job. I'll definitely recommend him to anyone that asks.

One thing I've realised about the people here is that they work really hard. There are people working wherever you look. There are huge gangs of people working on the streets, on building sites, in restaurants and hotels, in furniture repair shops, etc etc. There's also a great emphasis on craftsmanship - doing things by hand. You can see it everywhere from the shoeshiners' stands to the carpenters' shops.

There's a spirit here too. People work hard but they don't look miserable. In fact there are lots of smiles. The streets in Panjim City are full of people, scooters, auto-rickshaws, cars, vans, trucks and yesterday I even saw an elephant (!) on the main street. It's vibrant but in a completely different way to anything I've seen anywhere else.

OK, it's chaotic and shambolic, but people have accepted it and seem to enjoy it. If the 'nanny state' is a reality in the UK (and I say 'if'), it certainly doesn't apply here in any way, shape or form. And that's a refreshing change.

I must say, I'm beginning to really like it here...

Quest update: MCSE 2nd Exam: Passed!

Yes!!!

I just left the test centre having passed exam 70-290 (Managing and Maintaining a Microsoft Windows Server 2003 Environment).

Pass mark is 700 - I got 871 which is a good result for me!

Granting access to network resources let the side down a bit, other than that, all good! Only another 6 to go...

Panjim, Goa: Christmas Eve

Hard at work today. I have 450 test questions to go through ahead of my next exam (Boxing Day!).

Merry Christmas everyone!

Panaji Church, Panjim, Goa

Panjim, Goa: 20 Dec, 15:43

Woken at 08:30 by reception calling on the room phone.
I couldn't really understand what was being said and so assumed he was asking if I was coming down for breakfast. I said "yes, I'll be down in 15 mins".

Still feeling drowsy I pulled on some clothes and headed down to the restaurant.

Freddy, the guy who met me at the airport was there and waved 'hello'.
Some 'Christmas' music was playing. This consisted of traditional Christmas songs sung with an Indian accent with accompaniment from a Bontempi organ.

Things became even more surreal when I realised I was about to eat curry for breakfast.

Buffet breakfast consisted of pilau rice with a bowl of daal. I grabbed a coffee too and noticed that toast was available. A waiter who was on toast duty that morning stood behind an ordinary kitchen toaster. I waited until the toast popped up. It took a while. The waiter peered in to look at the bread every so often as if to try and speed up the toasting process. When it eventually did pop-up he buttered it and handed it to me.

Whilst I was eating, Freddy came over and asked me if I was going to Koenig office this morning. I suddenly realised that it had been him on the phone this morning and that he was waiting to take me there in the taxi.

I explained that there had been a mistake as my training was not due to begin until tomorrow. Poor guy must have been waiting for me for over an hour. He smiled without a hint of frustration and went away.

I returned to my room and called Maria, the Koenig concierge. She confirmed that I start tomorrow and that I could hire a mobile phone which will act as a modem to connect me to the internet.

So, reconnected as of tomorrow...

Panjim, Goa: 19 Dec 2006, 01:27

Flight left Heathrow at 21:00
Didn't sleep much on the flight - watched Jenifer Aniston "The Break-up", "You, Me and Dupree", drifted in and out to a Keanu Reeves film, the name of which I forget.

Arrived Mumbai on schedule - uncrowded and efficient at the airport - collected suitcase and transferred to the internal flight to Goa. Left on time at 14:35 (India time) and arrived Goa 15:35.

I noticed that the shanty town dwellings (basically sheds with ramshackle rooves) were pressed hard up against the boundary walls of the airport. This was my first sight of the abject poverty one hears of in India.

Met rep outside airport arrivals - good to see a friendly face. He explained that due to "Indian trouble" the car wasn't available to take me to the hotel and so he would arrange a taxi for me. I looked around and immediately realised that most of the cars at the airport were "vintage" looking - then I saw my taxi.

The taxi was actually a very small van with a seat in the back. In the case went and then we set off.

I had heard other students comment on their taxi ride from the airport in Delhi but thought that out in the countryside things might be a little more relaxed. I quickly realised that this wasn't necessarily the case as the driver pulled out into traffic and immediately started leaning on the horn.

After a few minutes on the major route my driver pulled off on to a country road. I got my first look at the countryside - it was jungle. Tall palm trees, luscious green vegetation, people working the fields. Absolutely beautiful.

The driver continued down the lane at break-neck speed. Rounding a corner, suddenly another taxi was right in front of us - we were on a collision course - the driver blew his horn. So did the other taxi. How we missed each other I'll never know as I had my eyes closed awaiting the inevitable impact. That was pretty much the theme for the next 30 mins.

As the traffic on the road increased (mopeds, trucks, pedestrians, oxen), so the driving style adjusted accordingly. The basic idea seems to be: get past the driver in front at all costs - surviving without injuring yourself or the person coming the other coming the other way is down to technique, skill and experience.

Going up a reasonable incline, I noticed that a van and a moped were 3 abreast trying to get past a slower vehicle. Oncoming traffic was swerving in order to prevent a pile-up. My driver joined the pack of vehicles swarming all over the rear of the slower vehicle. How we got passed I don't know (my eyes were once again tightly shut!).

As we sped on, the driver continually blowing the horn, I noticed that cricket was being played everywhere. In fields, in playgrounds, on waste ground, groups of children were playing - a great sight to see.

On our way down a hill into Panjiim (my destination), I could see a sharp bend ahead. The sharp bend became a mini-roundabout as we drew closer. My driver went straight out on to it without slowing for any oncoming traffic - as we got round suddenly there was a cow the road. Mopeds (driven by riders with no crash hats, often with women riding side-saddle-pillion carrying unfeasibly large cardboard boxes) and other vehicles were swerving to avoid it - we were heading right for it. I said to myself "um, there's a cow in the road, there's a cow in the road, THERE'S A COW IN THE ROAD!!!". Luckily, we missed it.

I arrived at Hotel Menino, Panjiim (in one piece) having gained somewhat of an understanding of the way to drive in India - on the surface it is chaotic but the horns are used to warn other road users that you are coming and will most likely attempt to overtake. It must work to a certain degree, I guess.

Once in my room I check for mozzies - none. The room is cool and the air-con works well (if a little noisily). So this will be my home for the next few weeks - it's basic but comfortable and the staff seem pleasant and efficient.

Sleep for 5.5 hours.

AT 11pm I ordered chicken and rice with 4 large bottles of water and a cup of tea. Very welcome indeed. Kofi Annan is on BBC News 24 talking about his biggest regrets during his time as UN Secretary - I think he is a very brave and humble man.

As I write this I'm growing tired again and am looking at the bed. Tomorrow I get a day to acclimatise before the work begins. I'm going out to explore...

Counting off the days...

Less than 14 days to go - then I'm off to Goa!

Obtained visa last Friday. Took 4 hours! Queuing was never my strongpoint - I was severly tested. Once in the visa hall (along with 1500 others), there was sort of a process going on (somewhere deep beneath the surface).

Reminded me of a 1950's post office - all brown mahagony coloured wood and an ancient display which flipped over number after number to indicate who should try to approach the counter next.

Anyhow -all done now.

Next Monday I start taking malaria tablets...