How to ruin your enjoyment of Star Wars (Pt.II)

Here is another in the (very) occasional series of articles that I've written on how to ruin your enjoyment of your favourite films for all time.

Some of you may remember that Part 1 concerned the similarity of the voice of Chewbacca in the Star Wars trilogy to that of Blakey from 'On the Buses'. The idea was that you picture Chewbacca flying the Millennium Falcon through hordes of Empire Tie-Fighters and then replace his voice with that of Blakey shouting 'get those buses aaat!' and 'oh gaaawd!', etc etc.

I think you'd have to agree that the resemblance is striking. You'd also have to concede that you will now never be able to watch Chewbacca on any of the Star Wars films without immediately thinking of Blakey, Butler and Stan.

Ok. So along those lines, here's another...

Last night I caught 'Star Wars: Return of The Jedi' on HBO. I have seen this many, many times before. If you recall it's the one where Yoda pegs it, Luke fights Darth Vader and wins but then doesn't kill him off as the evil Emperor wants him to, because Vader is really Anakin Skywalker, who is Luke's father. OK so far?

Now then, you recall that the evil Emperor was previously known as Senator Palpatine (in previous episodes). He is eventually found out to be the Dark Sith Lord and, during a fight with Samuel L. Jackson he undergoes something of a dramatic facial transformation (see below).

Ok, so you know who I'm referring to now? Good.

Now, here are the instructions for completely removing all traces of evil power from the character of the Emperor thus rendering him benign and ruining the dramatic presence of his character forever...

1) watch Star Wars: Return of the Jedi (again)

2) towards the climax of the film, just before Luke fights Vader, listen carefully to the voice of the evil Emperor as he sits in his black chair with his black hood covering his gaunt and ashen face

3) pause the playback, clear your mind and focus

4) bring into your mind an early episode of 'Are You Being Served' (trust me on this one...)

5) picture the canteen at lunchtime, with the staff all sitting round the table

6) recall the characters: Mr Humphries, Mr Lucas, Captain Peacock, Mrs Slocombe, Miss Brahms

7) and, sitting at the right end of the table, Mr Grainger (he's just in-shot below)

8) yes, Mr Ernest Grainger, half-moon spectacles, tape measure round the neck - can you hear his distinctive 'Mr Kipling-like' voice in your mind? Focus, focus, concentrate now

9) you can see his chin and his 'gurning' expression (due to lack of dentures) as he slurps his vegetable soup

10) if you're close to getting his voice clear in your head, make him say the word 'vegetable' - now you've got it. It's unmistakable, unique, 'veggie-tibble' - 'Mr Lucassshh'

11) now un-pause the playback of the film and listen to the voice of the Emperor...

Yes, folks. It's true. The evil Senator Palpatine/Dark Lord of the Sith is in fact dear old Mr Grainger from 'Are You Being Served'!

Congratulations! You have just succeeded in completely ruining another character from Star Wars. Forever.

Now, I wonder if I could somehow turn Mr Lucas into Darth Vader - that would be something! The signs are all there if you look carefully. Consider the black & white picture above. Mr Grainger (Sith Lord) is discussing with his henchman Darth Vader (Mr Lucas) the matter of turning Skywalker (Mr Humphries) to the darkside. Skywalker, fairly disinterested in the prospect, is casually examining a mens formal shirt. The dialog might go something like:-

Sith Lord: Lord Vader, are you free?
Vader: (looks over both shoulders; breathing through snorkel sound) Yes my master, I'm free. (more breathing sounds)
Sith Lord: do you think young Skywalker can be turned to the darkside?
Vader: (breathing sound) I am unsure my master, I'll ask (breathing sound)
Vader: young Skywalker, are you free? (breathing sound)
Skywalker: (looks over both shoulders; in high pitched tone) I'm free!!

etc etc. I know it could work. Perhaps I'll send the script into the BBC comedy dept. I can see it now. The new BBC space dept. store sit-com: Store Wars: The Return of the Grace Brothers, starring:

Arthur Brough (Mr Grainger): the Emperor
Trevor Bannister (Mr Lucas): Darth Vader
Wendy Richard (Miss Brahms): Princess Leia
John Inman (Mr Humphries): Luke Skywalker
Frank Thornton (Capt. Peacock): Han Solo
Nicholas Smith (Mr Rumbold): Obi Wan Kenobi
Harold Bennett (Young Mr Grace): Yoda
Arthur English (Mr Harmon): Chewbacca (due to impenetrable accent and brown overalls)
Mollie Sugden (Mrs Slocombe): Jabba the Hut

"never underestimate the power of the darkside, Mr Lucasshh..."